So last saturday I went camping with friends, no biggie but I need to shit when I wake up so I go at the campsite loos like any normal person. We’re all zombies following the night before but I have a long day ahead of climbing outdoors with a good friend and some more people I don’t know so well so we head off and get coffee. Of course this brings on a second wave of need so I pull over and shit at a fast food place thinking that surely I’m done by now and can get on with my day.

I could not have been more wrong, I get to the climbing place in the middle of nowhere and immediately the sensation hits. It’s no use trying to climb with poo cramps now radiating through my core so I go off and find a sutible rock to poop behind (no, I couldn’t dig a hole, I know this would have been wise) which is gross enough for me like fuck but nevertheless it has to be done and I conceal my act with a suitable rock. Carry on with my day, do a climb but then the dreaded gurgle returns. I try to put it off but its inevitable and I wearily excuse myself to go pee for the second time in 30 minuets.

I go back ot the same spot, not wanting to spread the chances of me being caught by someone unsuspectingly going for a pee and poop on the rock covering the first, trying not to inhale as it’s australian summer and half an hour is enough for anything left in the sun to begin cooking.

However this one lands different due to the hard surface its faced with at the base of its descent, it piles up like a soft cone and I’m confrunted with a 5″ poop emoji. I’ve never had to be in such close connection with what by body produces and honestly never want to again but I soldier on and grab a rock to cover this fucker with, except as it squidges down, it’s base surface area dramatically increases and the rock shit sandwhich isn’t cover enough. I have to make a full on rock shrine to conceal my shameful actions and the accompanying tissues that I pray to a higher power no unsuspecting kid takes apart.

I have learnt my lesson and will be bringing a shovel for future expeditions

TL;DR Had to poop twice in the australian wilderness, needing a full on rock shrine to cover my shitty actions