I’m a dentist. I tell all my patients how I want them to brush their teeth. You brush once a week. Everyone is happy to hear that! You use one tube of toothpaste. At that point, all my patients go, “Oh…”

I tell them to go in the shower, because this will get messy. Tilt their head back and squeeze the whole tube in like they are standing under a soft serve ice cream fountain. The entire tube. Don’t worry if some drips down your chin, keep your head back and grab your toilet brush.

At this point, you (along with my patients) go “What??” Yes, a toilet brush. Do not worry. You do not use it to clean your toilet. Keep it under your sink, and put a sticky note on it. “I use this to brush my teeth.” Your family and friends will then not use it to clean the toilet.

Jam the brush into your mouth. It gets tops and bottoms. You might gag. Fight the urge to gag. We are looking for lots of foam. Your head should look like a foaming volcano. Go at it for twelve minutes. If your neck gets sore, don’t be a sissy. Keep going.

After twelve minutes, get your mouth plunger. Keep this under your sink too. Do not spit! Use the plunger on your mouth. Up and down, like you’re clearing a clogged toilet. Your esophagus may prolapse. If it does, I know a good ear/nose/throat guy. If it happens, though, just stop, and use your fingers to readjust your Adam’s apple and whatnot. Don’t plunge so hard that you detach your uvula, the little punching bag thing on the back of your throat. You need that. It helps with. IDK. Digestion or some shit.

After plunging, we want the tooth snake. It’s just like the toilet snake (replace the post-it notes if they fall off!). Get the snake in there and floss with it. If your throat prolapsed from the plunging, the snake will set it back in place. I need to remind my patients that in olden times, sword swallowing was a normal thing. So not just the tip, kids! But we don’t want you pulling your colon up either. Use your judgement.

Stay cavity free and enjoy your teeth. And….you’re welcome!

Your Friendly neighborhood Dentist, DDA, MD, Esq.