A self satisfied smirk forms on your Doritos encrusted lips as you hit the Send button. Thatll show that bigot for using a derogatory term like diabetes on YOUR subreddit.

Now what should you do? Oh right, the same thing you always do after putting a shitlord in their place.

Youve just opened up your folder of lolicon hentai when the knock at the door comes. Your self diagnoed PTSD flares up, but you immediately swallow it down. Its probably the landlord, wanting to make arrangements for your ten month delinquent rent. Idiot. Hes cant legally evict you until October and youre sure he’ll be guillotined in the revolution before then.

The knock comes again. You ignore it, and reach for your rainbow colored fleshlight and…

BAM!

You wheel around as the door to your apartment splinters. A few heavy footsteps and at the door… no. NO. IT… CANNOT… BE.

Its *Zombie Wilford Brimley*

“Heard you been talkin shit about the diabeetus, son,” Brimley says, raising his shotgun.

“No, I…”

*BLAM*

You scream and duck as the shot goes off, blowing a hole in the wall above your head (oddly overlapping an existing hole you punched after seeing a picture of Jordan Peterson.) Brimley is slowly reloading. You have to get out of there, and you take the only route availible- the window.

You smash headfirst through, thankful for the hydrangeas outside that break your fall. You start running away as fast as you can, terrified at the sounds of Zombie Wilford Brimley breaking through the wall behind you.

Where can you go?

Then you see it. The church across the street. Youd forgotten it existed, despite the time you smeared dog feces on the Nativity set a couple Christma- erm Winter Solstices ago. At this point, you have no other option.

A soft organ is playing in ambience as you burst inside, gasping for breath. A pastor sitting in the pew, reading looks up in surprise. “Can I help you?”

“Zombies are after me!” You pant.

“Well, rest easy then. We are on hallowed ground. Such creatures cant reach you here. But maybe you better start from the beginning.”

“Okay. Well, Im a moderator on Reddit, and-” You stop as the ambient organ music shuts off with a record scratch. The priest blinks, and a small smile comes over his face.

“Oh. Im sorry. I guess Sky Daddy isnt going to save you after all.”

**BOOM**

You wheel in terror as the doors to the church blow open and Zombie Wilford Brimley walks in. You make for the back exit but-

BLAM!!

Agony overcomes you as your knee explodes, and you fall to the ground screaming. You hear the thud of footsteps as Brimley walks up to you, a grim smile under his zombified mustache as he looks down on you. You begin to pant, tears leaking from your eyes. Youre bleeding out and theres nothing you can do.

Brimley looks over at the priest.

“Uh oh. Looks like someone needs a LifeAlert from Liberty Medical!”

Both he and the priest laugh as your vision begins to fade.